You’ve got 168 of them…so quit wasting them!

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One of my pet peeves is when I hear someone say, “I’m just too busy!”
It really annoys me when I hear myself say those words, because then I become a hypocrite!

God I hate hypocrisy, almost as much as I hate wasting time.

But, it wasn’t until I heard a recent podcast with Laura Vanderkam, author of 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think, that I realized I was filling my mind up with poop about how much time I didn’t have.

Through her work, Laura explored peoples time diaries, looking at over 1001 days and came up with some frickin’ amazing information about our time that we think we don’t have!

  • We’re getting more sleep than we think
  • We’re not working near as much as we’d like to complain about
  • We’ve got way more time than we’re making good use of

This got me thinking and I started tracking my time, and here’s what I discovered…

  • I have 168 hours available to me each week just like you do
  • I sleep an average of 8 hours a night which leaves me with 112 hours for the rest of my life
  • I work an average of 60 hours a week (low for a self-employed guy). That leaves me 52 hours a week
  • I work out about 8 hours a week. That leaves me 44 hours a week
  • I eat an average of 1.5 hours a day, which leaves me with 33.5 hours in the week
  • Showering, tidying up the house, getting kids to school takes up another 10 hours a week which leaves me with just under 24 hours a week

That’s 24 hours a week to do things I love like reading, being creative, dreaming, traveling, exploring, and of course,drinking wine, having SEX, and connecting with people.

But yet, I like many of you, claim to not have enough time. So I wonder…how much time do you have when you break it down?

  • Do you have enough time to come out and be authentically you?
  • Do you have a few moments a day to laugh at yourself?
  • How much time would it really take to put a little extra effort into your dating or love life?
  • What would it feel like to just take 1 – 2 hours a week to be a kid again?
  • Why aren’t you taking some of your time to JUST BE YOU?

I believe, after taking 60 minutes to listen to the podcast with Laura, while I was exercising, that we all have the capacity to make time for whatever we want in our lives. The real question is, how badly do you want to make time for what you want in your life?

Today you get to…

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Are you hung over in the doldrums of life?
Dreading getting out of bed?

Everyone complains about Monday’s. Ok, that’s a generalization.

Those that don’t work traditional work weeks probably complain about Tuesday’s Wednesday’s, Thursday’s, Friday’s, Saturday’s, and Sundays! Whatever day of the week that their week begins.

So how do we overcome the “Dammit it’s (fill in your dreaded day of the week)” mentality? Simple! But, before I share the secret sauce, the magic elixir, the idea that could make me millions (just joking), let’s talk about why we dread.

Dread is because we’re not in joy, happiness, love, like, thrill, adventure, etc. Another way of looking at it is we’re not in alignment with our values and beliefs. So how did we go from dreading waking up on a Monday morning – or whatever day of the week you dread – to values and beliefs? Very simple…it’s all one big cocktail of life that needs stirred not shaken to properly make us happier.

When we stir out the words of life that make us feel less than, obligated, overwhelmed, or small, suddenly, even a morning wake-up call back to reality will be easier to swallow.

So, remember two paragraphs back when I said I’d show you how to overcome the “Dammit it’s (fill in your dreaded day of the week)” mentality? Remember how I said it was SIMPLE? Ok, here’s what you’ve been waiting for…switch the should, could, would, need, have to do’s for the day to…wait for it…be patient…wait for it…switch it to…

Today I get to do…

I know, I’m brilliant. Don’t you feel better? Ok, enough of me stroking my own ego, but, seriously! Try it out for yourself, right now.

Say, “Today I have to (fill in the blank).”

How do you feel? Dread, defeated, not to excited? Now, try on the new way.

Say, “Today I get to (fill in the blank).”

There should be a slight shift, or maybe a ginormous shift in how you feel, just by changing the word “have” to the word “get.”

Yes I’m word smithing your life, but hey, I’m a Life Coach and that’s part of what I’ve been put on this earth to do. I GET to, not HAVE to, help people re-word smith their lives for greater joy.

So go on. Pick three things you get to do today and enjoy them. And, in between those things, slide in the “have to do’s” and see how much more easily your day goes by.

Habits and Behaviors They Go Hand In Hand!

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I was on my morning walk, 3 miles, a habit I’ve created, when I decided to shake things up a little.

You see, I was starting to behave badly about these morning walks. I was getting lazy, not keeping my heart rate up, getting bored, listening to the same old play list, and I was starting to see my good habit, no longer being a behavior I enjoyed. I knew I had to do something or I was going to become miserable and start putting back on weight, and not feeling relaxed..both of which are totally unacceptable.

So what did I do? I replace my playlist with one of my favorite podcasts, The Good Life Project, with my friend Jonathan Fields and listened to his interview with Gretchen Rubin author of The Happiness Project and her latest book Better Than Before. Boy was I surprised by the divine intervention that came my way. First, I’d been trying to find time to listen to more of my favorite podcasts…check ,got that done; and I was also looking for inspiration to be more excited about my walks…check, got that done.

The conversation Jonathan and Gretchen were having about habits and behaviors, led me, in the midst of my walk to realize that I needed to marry those tow concepts together in order to stay on my intentions to walk on a daily basis for my health and emotional wellness. In fact, as i listened, I began to think…”I’m an Upholder…someone who meets outer expectations, and inner expectations pretty equally. To understand what an Upholder is, you’re going to have to go take Gretchen’s Four Tendencies Quiz yourself and see how you fair.

Here’s what I know after listening to the podcast, taking the quiz, and also what I’m discovering as I’ve started reading Better Than Before

  • I’m better at accomplishing things when someone expects something from me, including myself
  • I’m pretty good at starting things. Where I falter is not letting the behavior support the habit or not allowing the behavior to change the habit
  • The only thing standing between me, success, setting and achieving goals is being held accountable – either by others or myself

I learned all this because I was getting bored, doing my daily walk and decided to change things up a little bit.

  • What habit would you like start?
  • What behavior do you need to modify, or change to be more successful?
  • How can you use your current habits to be more successful or to break bad habits that are holding you back?
  • Which behaviors might you wish to turn into a habit or change so that they don’t be come a habit

Have fun exploring and don’t forget to go check out Gretchen and Jonathan…you won’t be disappointed.

Why are you settling?

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I’ve been working with a lot of clients lately, and it seems the overriding theme is…

Better Than Nothing!

In some cases, that statement can be true.
  • Having a little bit of food to get by with is better than nothing
  • Being able to sleep in your car is better than being homeless on the street
  • A little more room on the credit card to make ends meet is better than no room at all
These are more extreme examples of Better Than Nothing Necessity examples.

Then there’s the Better Than Nothing stuff that we settle for in life.

  • He’s better than having no boyfriend at all.
  • At least this job pays the bills
  • One day off is better than no days off
All of these things on the surface, in the moment, may be true, but the question is, Are you selling yourself, your dreams, your desires short, by saying ‘better than nothing’?

If the relationship isn’t’ working and it’s a safety blanket to protect you from being alone, start learning to be alone.

If the job sucks and it’s draining the life out of you, take the chance and stop buying into your own beliefs that it’s better than nothing and start to take control of your destiny.

If one day off is becoming a consistent pattern, and you’re not able to recuperate and feel whole, than maybe it’s time to get smart about talking to whomever you need to about getting this pattern changed.

When we settle for Better Than Nothing mentality, we’re sending a signal to our selves that we’re not worthy. Even if the circumstances are out of our control (so we think), we always have some control to make things different.

So as you venture out for your weekend activities, consider not doing stuff, or being around people, that lead you into a Better Than Nothing state of mind.

Time is fleeting, valuable and not to be wasted on HAVE TO’S!

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Admit it. We’re all time compressed. Or so we think.
Then of course, we’re overwhelmed. Or so we think.
And finally, who has time to smell the roses. We hardly have time to look at them.

Sound familiar? I’m sure it does and that’s because we’re all drinking the Kool-Aid and buying into our own hype that there’s not enough time in the day to do the things that need to get done.

Next thing you know, you’re sick, exhausted, and that only leads to even more feelings of overwhelm because now you have to try to carve out time to take care of yourself.

The secret is, you should started with self-care and then worked your way towards the other stuff. Oh, and you also need to learn the other secret that OVERWHELM is self-induced.

Whether you feel time is slipping away in your dating, career, friendships, or finding your passion buckets, the truth is you’ve got all the time in the world, you just need to give yourself the gift to realize that you’ve got all the time in the world.

  1. Stop all or none thinking. Not all your time has to be put into one thing before you move on to something else.
  2. Start with intentions. Everything you do that takes up time needs to have an intention assigned to it.
  3. Have fun and be creative with your time. When the traffic’s got you backed up and late to an appointment, use that time solve some other problem or reconnect with someone on the phone.
  4. Be gentle with yourself. If something doesn’t get done, don’t beat yourself up.
  5. Implement the 3/5 rule. Get three things done each day before you distract yourself with things that drain your time like social media, emails, etc. Even if emails are the lifeblood of your day, at least get one To Do List thing done before you dive into the abyss of emails. Then, make it point to get 5 and only 5 things done on a daily basis. If you do more, great, but start your day with, “These 5 things will be done before I leave today.

Finally, change the HAVE TO’S to GET TO’S! When you get to do something you’ll be a whole lot more excited than when you have to do something!

Does Sex Really Mean You Own Me?

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For whatever reason, gay men seem to be the torchbearers for wild, free, sex in the world. Yet, what if SEX didn’t mean you OWNED someone? Not like you bought them, but this weird notion that, once we have sex, you’re mine?

I find it interesting that we’ve moved to a space in our growth as a human species that we preach freedom and liberation, yet the moment someone – anyone, not just gay men – suggest that SEX shouldn’t be a means of keeping the shackles on someone in a relationship, then suddenly, they’ve broken the golden rule of relationships. Monogamy may rule, but what if freedom to be sexually who you are…not just your sexual orientation…became the BOLD STANDARD? In other words you could have your cake and eat it too without fear of the relationship falling apart? Some call it swinging…I call it being secure in your relationship.

Here’s my thoughts on the subject!

Three Types OF Gay Men You Must Meet…On Gay Apps!

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Honestly…us boys love our toys. That includes Growlr, Scruff, Grindr, Daddyhunt, etc. Ok, some of you may not be into the gay app world, but for those of you who are, there’s so much fun to be had chatting, growling, woofing, blocking, and of course pic swapping. How do I know?

Even as a married man, I find it fun to chat it up on the apps and to see if I can make some friends. However, as a writer and blogger, I also find the app world a great place for story ideas and commentaries, thus the reason I became fascinated with gay men and their ability to write one liners for their app profiles. And here’s what came of that little research and sleuthing project. Enjoy! Get the whole story here!

 

You’re a single gay man because…that’s what you’ve chosen!

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You may not be the cat’s meow. Or maybe your just being a Puss In Boots. Truth is, if you’re single, you either…

  1. Aren’t dating with intentions.
  2. Say you want to be dating and you’re kidding yourself.
  3. Dating as a sport where you just want to rack up points and wins.
  4. Not ready to be hitched up except everyone else is so you should be too, or so you think.
  5. Single and want to be that way and are tired of everyone elses opinion about your singledom

I personally think a lot more gay men should adhere to #5 until it’s no longer true for them. In fact, that’s the reason I doned my nerdy eye glasses and went sleuthing on my favorite research space – Facebook – to try to understand why gay men prefer to be single. Here’s what I discovered!

What To Do When Your Dad Comes Out!

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Angry, confused, bitter, and not knowing which way is upside down and inside out. Theses are feelings you’re feeling as well as your child and spouse. So let’s figure out what you can do to make it easier on your kids when you finally admit, “Dad’s not exactly the guy you think he is!”

More often than not, your child will embrace you, providing you give them the firm foundation to stand on to understand you in your new self. The caveat is, no more lies! Talk to them at their level of understanding and give them room to process. It also helps if you can give them the encouragement they need to know that you’re still their Pop’s and nothing’s going to change that.

Here’s a few more tips that came out after I heard about the show Girls having a plot line where the Father comes out of the closet. Read the rest of the story!